Wound up at the library this morning. I'm not going to be home until late: NIGHT SKIING! Just how I started out--learning alternating between being blinded by bright artificial light and being in the dark on trails that have been scraped to hell after 8 hours of traffic and probably warm day temperatures melting followed by freezing once the sun says adieu. I see my pdoc today before I go though. I am hoping she doesn't convince me not to go. The place I picked is like two hours away in Maine--the opposite way of my house from the office haha. Today's my first day driving in weeks, slept a combined 7 hours for the past 50 hours, and I called the emergency line last night. I plan on being totally honest, but I'm going to try and qualify things so I don't get hospitalized because "after our last appointment I felt hopeless and swallowed 60 pills and now every night I hop into bed, panic, immediately hop out and then pace around the house like I have a joint tissue problem because of obsessions involving corners while trying to fight the urge to put a knife in my throat parallel to my shoulders which I only don't do because of this (other's tell me delusional belief of) immortality," just screams "Muddy shouldn't leave here, drive two hours to another state, ski four hours, do an even longer drive back to her house, and then be alone to have the night-panic. Maybe Muddy shouldn't even drive back to her house."

I got a new treatment plan this morning though. Even she added PTSD as a dx to the list. Last year I was "sub clinical" and it was "ruled out." Talking to my CM this morning we decided I already had OCD ish traits anyways. I have a family history of it and I used to do this same crazy weird way of pacing thing I'm doing now, but I sorta intuitively therapied myself out of it for at least a few years? It was pretty much just a matter of catching myself, saying "no, I'm not going to do that," and sitting with the discomfort while trying to distract myself with something else that usually involved sitting or walking far in the woods where there's none of the objects that trigger it.

I got into crocheting recently, too. It's something I used to do with my grandma when I was 5, so I kinda remember what to do for the basic things I've been working on (made a beanie and started a blanket) just had to look up some stuff. I didn't realize the blanket was going to take up every ball of yarn we have in the house. I already used one new skein (Idk how long it was, but it was a big one of medium weight) and halfway through another. It's like a foot and a half long so far lol. I have two other similar skeins and I think 4 balls a nurse gave me when she got so excited after seeing my hat. I might save the balls for other hats/scarves/warm stuff because they're more bulky and I just think the colors would look good as a hat/scarf combo on a windy, cold spring day.

Oh, we had an earthquake yesterday too. I joke that my cat ate a new food too fast and got bad gas. It was one of the more significant ones we've had in a long while as in, it was actually heard and felt if you weren't driving, having sex, or destroying furniture (I did not hear or feel it).

I think I'm going to tell my pdoc my not taking my meds is because the last book I finished was Brave New World. Gives "stability" a negative connotation haha.