I did my yearly treatment plan this morning and it's still weird seeing BPD as an actual diagnosis. I look at schizoaffective and think "not really, probably 'just' bipolar, but whatever looks better for disability I guess." PTSD was a new one on the treatment plan, but I think "everyone has demons from the past," to deny it. Bulimia is "I probably don't even meet criteria at this point, but sure, keep it on there." Alcohol use disorder I don't really have thoughts just wonder how that's a "disorder" rather than bad coping (I guess the same with bulimia). But BPD is one that I hate because it's something I say, "yeah, I can't deny that one without outright lying." Even looking at criteria and being modest (grandiose?) I still meet 5/9 when it comes to stuff that damages my or close ones' lives. Good thing I don't have close ones right now!

But I started working on my workbook again. I'm on a chapter learning about empowering relationship habits vs damaging relationship habits. Had a good cry this morning because I realized when someone's mean to me I interpret it as love and when someone shows a classic sign of affection I think they're up to something or being cruel or sarcastic. My dad was a "I'm mean to show you I love you" guy (and my ex T said she thought he hated me) so it makes sense I can't tell which is which. The only time I saw hugs, kissing, compliments, encouragement, comfort, etc. was in corny movies growing up and my dad always made disgusting gestures so I thought all that was fake, that no one really did that, etc. In an IOP I was at as an adolescent they tried teaching "love and respect to all" and every time they tried doing a roleplay I was like "but no one ACTUALLY talks and acts like that." It helped me be less hateful towards people I don't know, but I still obviously split a lot on anyone close to me and act hateful even if it's out of fear.