I can only speak for myself and the experiences I have had in my life. There are two terms that are often used in reference to trauma or past injury, "pain" and "suffering". Both are very real. The pain at the time of the event, that could not in any way be avoided. The set of circumstances were in play and sadly, tragically, there was pain involved that changed the course of my life. Suffering though, suffering is something that happens emotionally after whatever happened physically has passed. It took me many many years to recognise that my suffering was a choice. I could let go of the suffering. It didn't mean forgiving the person. It didn't mean downplaying or invalidating what happened. Rather it involved recognising two things. The first, was that the other person's intentions were not to hurt me personally. Let me clarify. No one is born evil. No one is born with a vendetta or evil intent. They are things that come about due to life experience, many of which happen at such a young age so as to form an unconscious imprint. The person that steals - he didn't start down that path because he enjoyed it. It started because of highest intention. I know I have done some things that I deeply regret, and, it has never been my highest intention to ever hurt another person. I have acted in a manner that reflected doing the best I could with the rescources I had at the time. It reflected the way I thought was the best way to keep myself safe, or navigate the situation. The brain is wonderful, it wants to keep us safe. Even if doing the safe thing is the unwise thing. Even if the safe thing causes us or others pain.

Putting those two things together, recognising that whatever happened, whatever another person did to us, they did it because of who they were, and what they did reflected them doing their best at the time with the rescources they had with the best of intentions. Their intentions were selfish, there intentions were harmful. And, their highest intention was one that was formed from a belief system they were forced to adopt at some stage in their life. It wasn't about me. They projected into the world, toward me, what they percieved, and their intentions were to keep themselves safe and act in a way that they believed they needed to. This doesn't mean I forgive them. It means that I recognise that ultimately, it was never personal.

The second part of this is the suffering. I am the person I am today because of that. I can choose to focus on what happened, and for sure some days I allow myself to feel that pain fully. The endeavour is to not get stuck in that pain. Suffering is pain that we are stuck in. So, focusing on who I am, what I have become, what qualities I now have, what empathy I have, what experiences I can share and help others with, they are what I intentionally endeavour to focus on. I have choice on my focus. I don't have choice on what happened. I can choice as to what those events mean, what beliefs I label them. I can chose to label that person evil, or label that person as someone I can't make sense of, but know it wasn't personal. Where my focus is, that is where my attention is.

This can easily sound cold, callous, dismissive. I promise its not. I spent decades hating people for what they did to me. Then I learnt, realised, that what they did, reflected them, not me. What they did, they did because of who they were- and they became that way out of what they believe is necessity. In other words, they did the best they could with the resources they had at the time. Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, medically etc. It wasn't personal. Their personality reflected their personal reality.

What this does, given time, is gives back the power. It doesn't change the circumstances. It has given me the opportunity to recognise that I am a victor of life, not a victim of life. That life is happening for me, not to me. I can say that it is a constant work in progress, and some days it simply doesn't work. Those are the days where I allow myself to feel the emotions, knowing that I too, and doing the best I can with the rescources I have.

To those reading this, please know that its taken me several years to get to this point, as well as decades of life passing. The need I felt for acknowledgement from another person, for them to acknowledge what they had done - I learnt that I didn't need that acknowledgment from them. I already knew the hurt, I already knew the pain, I didnt need them to tell me what I already knew. And that, that was the most challenging part for me, releasing that need of acknowledgement.

My heart goes out to everyone in this thread, for all the hurt, pain and suffering you have experienced. And my comments reflect my journey and what has worked for me. It's not for everyone. Most of all, I wish everyone here peace of mind and heart. And good health. This is one of those posts where I am hitting post with trepidation. Please be kind, my intentions are good.