@ReptileInYourHead

Thank you for your kind reply

Well i had the most wrong life path -because of my own choices and actions and got into isolation at the age of 28 and I couldn't get out. I want to point out that there is nothing poetic in that, i was no victim. Romanticizing depression led to disaster

That was caused only by handling my career and life very poorly. During that phase i had no routine and was careless. I threated my personal effects (documents, house) and relationships poorly. I never requalifed by getting a further education and from here i can't forgive myself because even though university was scaring me, i am afraid the lazyness took over
So yes, the most useless and guilty human here. I currently have a temporary part-time job mainly smartwork, i have developped health issues after 30. I lost my father due to covid, my mother got cancer, ****ed up relationships. the man i used to love in my twenties married another and that is right and good for them, except it could have gone different since we were in love when younger and before my jobless phase

So yes, i am a monster who deserve to explode asap, except i used to function and consider myself overall good and ethic person
I didn't want to become such a millenial cliché.
Missed the safety door around my 30s, before covid