Oh, @MuddyBoots, your message was so welcome at a moment when i have just been given a caution by building management for the flurry of emails i wrote them yesterday. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. The property manager was very gracious and polite but she DID let me know that my excessive emails were a problem.

I get a good vibe from her, so i disclosed that i have a disability, and that hypergraphia is one of the features of it. I explained that it is a constant struggle, but that i will redouble my efforts to keep it in check. I think she will be receptive to my news.

And, no, i am not sleeping well. I've had chronic insomnia since Christmas, when i discovered the work of artist Bill Hicks. Listening to him was tremendously therapeutic. It gave me evidence that i am not alone in this world, tho he has passed, but at least for a brief time there lived someone who thinks and feels as i do.

The sleep is improving with light deprivation therapy. I deprive myself of light from 5:00pm to 7:00am. It is relatively easy as in Canada the daylight follows these hours in the dead of Winter. I take my meds at 11:00pm every day, but i may not go to bed for one or more hours.

I do not force myself to go to bed, as this just makes for an unpleasant experience of being awake in bed, and i begin to associate it with imprisonment. I wake up hours before dawn. I'm averaging about three hours a night. I cannot nap in the daytime.

I'm having trouble getting along with people. I am getting hostile, and so assertive that it borders on aggression. This is new to me, and not that unwelcome, as all my life i have tended in the other direction, of being too submissive.

It's exhausting me tho. What a healthy person would brush off as someone who misbehaves to them because the other person is having a bad day, i make a big deal out of. It is getting dysfunctional, and i sense people withdrawing from me because i am so ferocious.

Again, the ferocity is not necessarily bad, but i feel i am inspiring fear in others. I don't mind it that much, but i am not winning any friends. I note my one closest neighbor has been brief with me the past few days, and this is a departure from the warm, and welcoming vibe she usually gives me.

So, i am having some identity disturbance. I don't really know who this person is, that i have become, someone who hangs up on people on the phone when the situation warrants it.

It's so true that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and i think i will back off with the balls-out attitude and revert back into my warm, and loving vibe. It is true that i must not let people disrespect me, but it is also true that being too in-your-face attracts a lot of attention, and not all of it benign.

I am happy to be back here on the forum, and look forward to catching up with your news, Muddy, and of all the other strugglers here. It will relieve my hypergraphia to write here too. I also stopped journaling on Christmas, and i must get back to that too, as it is also a benign way of relieving my hypergraphia.

Don't get me wrong, i have had some high times these past seven weeks, and met many people i have really gotten a kick out of. But i sense i am becoming annoying, and unpleasant. I just don't care that much about being liked tho.

I've always been a bit of a loner. Why not be a ferocious loner, than a submissive loner? Respect matters more to me than friendship.

I have my Saturday night ZOOM social with many good people at one of my IRL support groups, and we have a great time, and it's very educational. I think from now on, i will focus on attending this one social event per week. Health experts advise that one social event per week is necessary for well-being.

I must not let myself get distracted, and be too tired to attend, like happened this weekend when i attended a fun but exhausting movie night put on by a real firecracker of a graphic designer who is new to the building.

He was very harsh with me because of the extreme time pressure he was under, and it stung. We emailed about it later and he said he was sorry for being terse and hostile. We concluded that we have different work styles, with me flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, and him liking to have everything organized far in advance, and last-minute changes upsetting him.

I decided i cannot work with him in the future, and this is for the best, even tho it breaks my heart to have to abandon such a dynamic, powerhouse of a person, with tremendous life experience (he was a DJ in Germany, presiding over a light-up floor of 3000 dancers).

He is also so funny i had tears hearing one of his stories. But i have to protect myself. I also sense that we are too much alike to be able to get along, and i find myself manipulating him with ease, and that's scary, that i have that skill, latent for so many years, now suddenly rearing as a wild horse.

If i act strong, people expect me to BE strong, and this just invites the wrong sort of attention. I've GOT to reign it in, and be less reactive, less sensitive to provocation. I've GOT to learn to laugh it off.

Well, the Senior Superintendent swearing at me DID require attention, but even that is dicey because he knows where i live, and i see him around the building on a regular basis. I just felt he had to know that swearing at me is not allowed. I feel i am in the right for this incident, but also that i am engaging in risky behavior that is not in my best interest.

Not to scare anyone, but i also have a police report for a hate crime of discrimination on the basis of perceived disability that happened on January 12, at a fancy hotel downtown. The lawyer who did my disability benefits has advised that i DO have a human rights complaint, but i am merely trying to get the police to take action on the issue, as a human rights complaint requires plowing thru fifty pages of legal documentation, and i'm just not healthy enough to undertake that at the moment.

If the police will not act on my behalf, i will just have to let it go. I thought of hiring a law student or paralegal, but i don't want to put money towards it. There is video surveillance footage to review, showing the male hotel employee confronting me, and interrogating me, and insulting me, but all he has to say is that he did NOT think i was neurodivergent, just that i was accessing the facillities illegally, which i was not, as i had taken a room at the hotel for the night to escape a stressful situation here at my home.

From bad to worse.

Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't!

I guess i just don't know who i am at the moment. I've had flickers of this power inside me before, but it's never been so controlled. Surely, i am making mistakes, and need to review my policies, but i am happy to discover that i am a force to be reckoned with.

For the moment anyways...