Ugh, I think I just need support/hugs/something.

I went to my first session after our big break today. I was excited to go, and relieved to be seeing him. But in session, I could feel something between us. It wasn't him, it was totally me. I felt like I had put the armor back on that I had on before I started therapy - that we've worked so hard to remove - and I couldn't find a way to let him in. My rational self wanted to connect so, so badly, but there I sat, closed off.

I know it all ties into a bad experience I had with the only other "counselor" I've seen, back in my teens, which resulted in SA and then abandonment. That relationship is always in the back of my mind - and I think on some emotional level, I feel like I was abandoned last week - and it's clear that it could happen ANY time, I have no power, no control over it. He could just close his practice, or move, or refer me, and there would be nothing I could do. And feeling that, I just don't know if I can let myself get back to the vulnerable place I was at just before he left.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I just feel bad, and scared, and annoyed and angry.

I e-mailed him after session and asked for a response and he didn't respond - it was late in the day, and I KNOW he doesn't check his e-mail often, so I kind of understand. But I also left him a phone message saying I e-mailed him, and could he please respond. He ALWAYS responds when I ask, but he hasn't. So tonight I left him a REALLY angry message, and I have NEVER done anything like that before. I told him to just delete the e-mail and not read it. I swore, and raised my voice. I just don't DO that. I don't even get angry, generally. My next appointment is on Friday and I hate that I have to sit with this all week.

Therapy sucks.