Quote:
Originally Posted by AnaWhitney
Thanks for your replies. Amandalouise, thank you for all this information, it was good to get a different perspective and there’s lots for me to think about.
It’s not that I want to hide my symptoms, it’s just that I often feel like a liar or like I am exaggerating etc. and find it hard to put words to my experiences as sometimes the words seem too dramatic.
I wasn’t honest in answering certain questions in my evaluation because it is hard to disclose things like abuse and self harm. I had a follow up appointment and I wrote down the correct answers to those questions so I’m all good there.
I was told I am suspected to have BPD which I did not think I had. However when I really looked into it, I saw a lot of things I could relate to and things started making sense for the first time, even though I still felt I did not fit the typical profile for BPD. I think that’s because I have hid it due to the rejection in the past. That’s what I was wondering, if that was a thing?
I have no intention of hiding it now for the assessment and I do want the correct diagnosis. I am wondering if I have been living in a way that keeps BPD traits under wraps because of what happened when I did not hide them when I was at school. I isolate and stay away from others emotionally and physically and I feel like I have not lived.
I am even going through this thing with my T where I keep telling her I hate her so that I will not feel in anyway close to her so it will not hurt if she lets me down. I have been seeing her for a year and I’ve started this crap a few weeks ago and I can’t break out of it and it’s because I don’t want to need her because it will hurt too much.
|
You have a lot of good insights especially regarding your relationship with your T. I do that too, hurt others so they can't hurt me. Don't worry if you weren't able to verbally talk about abuse with your assessor...they should Know Better that people would feel safer writing things down. That is no way to assess someone. The standards of protocol seem to hardly ever factor in dissociation due to pressured questions. I myself have lost my identity by just doing what was expected of me by others. It's ok, it's what makes us BPD and that's not a bad thing. It means we adapt well and can see ourselves in other people. I think maybe your choosing to hide yourself shows a good amount of awareness, even if hiding yourself might make BPD symptoms worse. It's progress to be aware of it as opposed to just doing it. BPD has a lot of good qualities that mental health professionals need to at the very least start to tell us. Otherwise yes we will hide ourselves which only exacerbates our symptoms. A lot of people wish they were as resilient as us.