I can hear your pain and frustration, as you endeavour to provide for your family.

The brain wants to keep us safe. So when we are scared that our partner is going to leave us, that a relationship is going to fall apart, what is scarier than the fear, is not knowing when it will take place. So we push away first. If we they are judging us, we act as though they already have. If we feel they are going to get emotional, we act as though they already are. The brain will take control to keep us safe by taking away the unknown. - the when.

There are some things we can do to get back and align goals, get on the same team.

When our partners, our kids, dynamics in our life "trigger" us, what is the actual trigger? For what purpose do we get so worked up and emotions rise within us? What is going on in the background? Theres an acronym I heard, "S E E N" that is worthy of consideration.

S - Scared
Am I scared you don't love me for who I am, but rather love who I wish I was? Is that because I don't love who I am at the moment? I love who I wish I was a lot more, and I'd rather blame you for that.

E - Embarrassed
I am embarrassed that I am not juggling all of this with a smile, I'm embarrassed that I am tired, that I am not the perfect husband and father. Which leads to->

E- Expectations
I expect myself to be the perfect husband, the perfect father, and work tirelessly to be that, which is unreasonable because what does that look like? And, I expect you to care more about how hard I am trying, than what I am actually doing. Which also means I never expect you to ever feel let down. And when you do, I take it super personally. But that's not fair on you because your a human with expectations too.

N - Need
I need to stop taking responsibility for your feelings because I need rest, which makes me feel weak, and that is the most embarrassing feeling of all.


All of those are in some way, sitting in the background not being talked about in a neutral way.

There are expectations, and when we feel disappointments, its great because it means there is a level of miss-match with those expectations. So, if we find ourselves thinking or saying, "I can't believe you don't care about me enough to do this", there is a miss-match which can be identified and bridged with communication - "I know you love me, but I can't feel it right now. Because I expect the person who loves me to do X, Y, Z. It doesn't mean I don't love you, it means we don't have the same expectations of me. How do you expect me to respond, how would you handle this?"

As soon as any sort of defensiveness comes up, highlight your goal of alignment: "I want us to be on the same team, and I think you do to."


Recognize expectations, align together in the common goal, self-analyse using S E E N and communicate.

I hope there's something in there that helps. Wishing you and your family well as you navigate a very challenging set of dynamics