I swear, the only interaction the neurotypicals want with me, is when i open my wallet.

I'm beginning to think my relationship with the Eritrean chef who is teaching me to cook, is suspect too, because she runs a convenience store, and i am her customer. She probably wouldn't be so caring towards me if my bucks were not involved.

I don't have one person i can call 'friend.' At least not IRL. All my friendships are mediated thru ZOOM or this forum. I shook hands today with my neighbor and that's the first warm bodily contact i've had with a man in two years.

It sure is tough being 58, a senior, without a family. Sometimes i think i made a mistake. Sure, raising babies, and toddlers, and teenagers is stressful. But my sister is a gramma now and loving it.

I won't have that. The future looks pretty empty. I can't even get anyone to come over for a luncheon party. And i bought all those special dishes. I thought at least i'd have a few guests, maybe not all five. But no, all five turned me down -- busy with other things. Some were not even polite about it.

The neurotypicals are so darn busy. Even making a deal on a new pair of glasses today -- the negotiation went so well, i complimented the manager, and he didn't even say thanks, just mumbled 'bye,' and moved on to someone else. They don't want my compliments even.

My neighbor is in the hospital with cancer, and i offered to visit, and bring my home cooking which she's liked in the past, and any toiletries, or magazines that might ease her hospital stay. Even she turned me down, saying her priority is resting, and that hospital staff are taking care of her.

The only volunteer opportunities are ones where you have to commit days or weeks ahead and i simply cannot do that, because i never know how i'm gonna sleep. Our last social committee director understood, and just said to pitch in wherever i can. But our current social committee director wants everything planned out in advance to the smallest detail, and commitments days in advance, and i cannot work that way.

So it would seem there's no where i fit in IRL. I've got here, and my ZOOM support group events, and that's it. What an impoverished life. I wish i'd had kids now. I would have suffered when they were young, but i'd be reaping the benefits now.

And it's only going to get worse. Just can't believe people wouldn't even come to my home for a home cooked lunch on a statutory holiday.

I hate the world.