Gasplessy, I am not equipped to respond to such a thing..
Despair, guilt, shame doesn’t sound like the work of god, a force that is the embodiment of creativity and love.
My thoughts are with you and I urge you to allow god back into your life, allow love back in, no one wants you to hurt yourself.
God has already forgiven, always does, instantly, but for us to forgive ourselves is the hard part.
If you have faith then trust god, he forgives but he cannot protect us from ourselves, follow gods lead and forgive, and love…