My bf broke up with me back in September last year and since the event, my mental health has been in shambles. I didn’t expect that I would cope by talking to and hooking up with random men I would meet online. I developed a bit of hypersexuality and since I was dumped via text while I was begging and crying on the phone, I felt like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t given any courtesy to be dumped respectfully and that I was discarded like garbage. To this day, I carry the belief that I am only good for sex and that my feelings and thoughts don’t matter because that's what the world has shown me my whole life. The breakup gave me abandonment issues and I feel like no matter what I do, I will never be good enough for anyone to stay or for them to choose me to be in their lives. I ended up being terrified of serious relationships, yet I crave companionship and validation.

I would put barriers in my head to prevent myself from catching feelings, but I ended up developing some for one of the guys I met up with, and of course, I wanted him to like me back, not because I wanted a relationship, but because I just wanted to be validated and to feel like I’m good enough. For a brief time, I felt so good about myself, but when he ended things, I was back in that same headspace with my ex that I ended up speaking to more men and continued to hook up and even go on dates. But the thing is, no matter how pretty they find me or no matter how kind and chill I was for them, I felt so hollow and ****** inside because it’s just never enough and my body is the only important thing to them. Sometimes, I don't even want sex but I feel like it's what I should do for myself. Recently, I’m in an exclusive fwb situation with someone and I felt good and safe around him because he was clingy and sweet to me but recently, his energy shifted and while he still talks to me often, he’s not as clingy lately and I’m anxious that its all on me and that I will be abandoned once again.

Whenever someone’s energy shifts or their effort dwindles, despite not begging for their attention, I end up blaming myself for it that perhaps there’s something about me that made them this way or that I’m not enough. I over analyze everything that led to their actions. I take their rejection or shift very personally that something is wrong with me. No matter how draining the cycle is, I can’t seem to escape it. I just want to feel like I matter and that I’m good enough. It has gotten so bad that I promised myself that if I experience more abandonment before the year ends, I will take my own life because I can’t stand to be myself again. It has become so overwhelming at one point that I ended up relapsing on self-harm and drugs again after a long time. I have a support system, have hobbies, and I go to therapy (had to stop psychiatric treatment due to financial issues though) but I can’t escape the toll of being somebody that is never enough.

Horny people wanting to DM, please don’t and cause further harm. Thank you all.