I've been having a really rough time.

I've been sober for 2 days out of the past week and a half. Those two days involved violence, crying, destruction, screaming, suicide threats and gestures, you get the point (the first time I got high this relapse was because I wanted to take a socket wrench to someone's head).


I have a new therapist who I've had a couple appointments with. Not a fan really. I straight up want to quit therapy. If I call them as I see them right now without spending 15 minutes carefully choosing words (avoiding how I want to say what I'm saying) or just outright lying (which is the easy thing), they're definitely going to petition for an IEA soon.


I'm taking my meds as prescribed (I also was cold turkeyed off of methylphenidate a week ago because I wanted to be on ER instead of IR, but apparently the insurance didn't like paying for one pill instead of two of different doses). I'm taking my PRN which is helping me not wake the whole town up at 2am... every night, anyway. I know I shouldn't be getting high, but it sounded/sounds like a better option than inflicting physical damage on others and myself every time the heater wakes me up or I get startled or am proven yet again that tracphone>iPhone. With my tracphone, when somebody called me, my phone actually RANG! Now... Therapist calls to reschedule? Nope. My VR case worker calls? Nope! Prospective landlords call? Nope! I have to get a mail or email "did you change your number?" Robo callers? Well... there's proof my phone CAN ring!

Anyway. My case manager saw the shovel handle sticking out of the wood on the porch, so she's going to mention that I'm blacking out and wondering later why I have bruises and half a shovel is embedded in a railing.

What am I even supposed to say when I go? "Yeah, I was at a 5/5 crisis a lot, but instead of calling the emergency line, I just got high, hurt myself, broke something, or drove recklessly on unplowed roads, so it's all good"?