I am struggling as you are. I have maintained my weight for a month now but my head is telling me "just 5 more pounds".
It is not a good place to be, but I am fighting like hell to maintain this weight and not go any lower. I feel like you do, if I die it is an accident but I have 2 kids who need me, so I can't afford to put myself at such a risk but my thinking is so eating disordered and I am totally restricting and exercising. But eating just enough to maintain.
I have doctor's appointment today for a physical. I haven't eaten because I know I am getting weighed and I want my stomache empty for that. Sick. My appointment is at 4:30, earliest I could get.
I just want the doctor to tell me my weight is oK, just don't lose anymore. Even if I can't see how skinny I am and feel fat, I know that that is just in my head and I could live with that. If he tells me to gain, I will have a big problem.