Thanks @June08 for praising me for being able to dine solo in public. It's really not that hard. The wait staff interacts a little. At the very least they are polite and professional.

Sometimes i luck into a staff who is interested in me. There was one bartender where i used to go (can't go there now because of an incident with hotel staff the bar and restaurant are located in) who was very keenly interested in me after i conducted a phone call that she listened to.

I had talked to my closest friend about recovery and the work of spoken word art i had done and my decision to leave it to be shared after my death. This extraordinary bartender asked what it was i had recovered from.

When i said i didn't feel comfortable saying, she praised me for setting boundaries, and saying No. She was really something special, so curious and brave. I enjoyed celebrating finishing the work of spoken word art with her and long to go back to see her again, but i won't set foot in that mediocre hotel again, so this really special woman bartender is lost to me forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to an IRL support group tonight and there were interesting moments, but i suspect i have traits of anti-social personality disorder, i am being so assertive, and not caring if people don't like me anymore.

Like at one point two people were cross-talking while another tried to share and it was ME that stepped in and said, "One person at a time, please." The two who were misbehaving stopped immediately and the group functioned better after that.

It's just: Why is it ME stepping in and keeping order? Why didn't the facilitator intervene? I feel like i am somewhat of in an uncredited volunteer role in my support groups, IRL and ZOOM. I know it's better for everyone if order is maintained, but i'm not winning any friends.

I'm having a bit of an identity crisis since my diagnosis got changed from bipolar to prolonged grief disorder. It's a time of great upheaval. I know i've been a source of stress here on this forum at times.

I can't think what to do about it except get back to my old hobbies and develop new ones, so that i am not so bored and cranky and aggressive. One of my new pursuits is computer gaming and i'm hopeful that that will be a safe outlet for my aggression.

I'm certainly not having success socializing, and it bores me anyways. I only seem to like working, which i can do around the clock. But being on private disability benefits, there's no paid labor i could do that would earn as much as i currently make. And anyways, i've just been feeling better for two months, so it is far too early to consider a return to work.

I just have all this crazy energy and no place to put it. Maybe Scrabble is the best option, as it's so intense, and competitive. Maybe i could finally make the leap into Division One. I've been at the top of Division Two for about ten years.

It would be a big project to make the leap because they use the international lexicon in Division One, and it has about 40% more words. Beaucoup studying, but i'm a good studier, good at independent work.

I'm just not that interested in Scrabble tho. But if the alternative is being bored, frustrated, cranky, and aggressive, maybe it is the best option. It's interactive, and the people are all really smart, and interesting.

I've made a huge investment in it already, and have developed decent mastery. Scrabble club is tomorrow evening, so i will make my re-appearance. There's a great deal of skill still left to be developed, techniques i'll have to learn to exploit to play Division One, so that'll keep me busy.

Just bored, frustrated, and tired of trying to get along with people. Scrabble is a mostly solitary pursuit, as you spend six days a week working on it alone, with club one day. There's the possibility of weekend tournaments and travel too.

I'm just not too happy to be reworking a hobby i thought i was done with. But humans require the precisely correct degree of stimulation, and i'm not getting it right now.

I somewhat feel that i would make a good manager. My command of people is absolute and i find it easy to manipulate people. They may not like me, but they do as i say. Again, not winning any friends, but do i really care about that?

I'm not likeable, but i admire people who are arrogant, and have contempt for all of humanity. We ARE nasty pieces of work. I'm just not good at socializing, and i suspect it's just not suited to me, so i better find other outlets for my energy, or else i am going to alienate everyone i interact with.

Men seem to like me a lot more than women. They seem to be on the same wavelength i am, and just want to get things done, like i do. The bus driver let me ride for free today, just because he liked my vibe.

I do well with the immigrant men. They all seem to want to help me. But the world is more diverse than that, so i have to modify my vibe for dealing with Western people.

I somewhat feel i was born in the wrong hemisphere. I get along great with people from the Eastern hemisphere, but i just don't have the patience for people from the Western hemisphere.

Maybe i should just go live in Malaysia. I might retire there. My mortgage is up in February of 2027, and then i'm free to sell and relocate. Looking forward to getting out of the Western world. So just the rest of 2025 left here, all of 2026, and the first part of 2027. Can i last?

There's also the problem of international travel while Trump is in office. The news about Cuba and the Laken-Riley Act is so horrifying i've decided against Cuba. Also, the power is out in Varadero. So that's a big project that's not happening.

So: Really having a hard time managing myself lately. Losing control, regaining it. It's exhausting. Not sleeping well. Poor impulse control. Being anti-social. It's a very messy time.