I'm having a real bad time. Depression comes to me in episodes. In between the episodes, I can seem fine. I even feel pretty good during those intervals between the episodes.

Today I got a real bad episode. It started last evening. I don't think I've ever gotten anyone to believe how horrible these tailspins are. A year ago, I told my primary care doctor that I needed help. Last time I saw him, like 6 weeks ago, he didn't even ask how I was feeling mentally. I guess I seemed perfectly normal to him. All my life, I've been able to put on a front, like everything is okay. I had to be able to do that to hold a job and do the many things I had to do in my life. But I'm far from okay.

I know the whole cause is that I'm staying alone in my apartment way too much. I'm staying alone way too much. Some days I can't bear to go outside to check the mail. Last evening, I never took my trash receptacles to the curb for pick-up. I had been doing better with that over the last few weeks. I was glad to have been improved. But I'm in a tailspin now. I don't know what's going to become of me. It's a nightmare to be in this pit again.

I did call a crisis line. It just got me more upset. I don't know where to turn. I've had too many episodes, too close together. This will never end, as long as I draw breath. I have felt such despair for hours.