Thank you. Thank you very much for saying that you - and others - are here for me. I believe you. I will try to check in every day.

All I came up with today is that, maybe, I should get me a dog. I wish I heard more from my sisters, who are far away. If I tell them how bad I'm feeling - which is suicidal - they would probably just feel angry and want to have even less to do with me. I want to get on my knees and beg them to not abandon me. Love that you have to beg for is not love.

We had a first cousin who committed suicide. One of my sisters said it was a shame that the family had not rallied to his side sooner and, maybe, saved his life. She has told me that she wants me to call her for support, if I'm in need of that. She was a professional counselor at a high school. I'm very afraid to call her for support. Years ago, she told me that being depressed is a choice. She is very judgemental. Other than that, she is a very good person. If I tell her how bad I'm doing, she is likely to scold me. That will not lead to me feeling more supported. I tried to be a good sister, but I think they forget the efforts I made. I gave one of my sisters a lot of money. Now she seldom calls me. That's been what has broken my heart. I can't wait to be dead. That sounds like melodrama. I suppose it is. I'm just glad to know that this won't go on forever.