I've called a crisis line a number of times over the past week. It doesn't help. I don't give them identifying info. I tell them I'm very seriously depressed with suicidal thinking. I don't discuss methods with them. The calls are pretty short. The counselors try to be helpful. But those calls have to remain brief, especially when I'm not willing to provide all the information they ask for. That's because I don't want cops coming to the door. I don't want to go to a psych hospital. I did that in 2020.

I think of sending an email to a sister, but that could backfire. My family would just tell me to go get professional help. I tried seeing a psychologist a year ago. After a few visits he left town for another job. I lost interest in going for counseling. My regular doctor never asks how I'm doing mentally. He has no idea how bad depression gets for me. When I'm in his office, I seem perfectly fine. No one really believes me because, a lot of the time, I seem to be coping okay.

I visited my far away family last spring. They were not warm toward me. One sister even scolded me about something in a very hurtful way. I didn't expect that. I feel like I've lost any meaningful relationship with my far away relatives. I rarely get even a phone call. I'm very alone, since my boyfriend died. I got over the grief of that loss. I thought I would socialize more, when I didn't have to care for him night and day. But I haven't. The aloneness has gotten too bad. I'm retired. I'm afraid of being alone till I die. I'm afraid of getting older and eventually losing my health. I feel stranded and trapped.