Oh Rose...
Dismayed to read things are not getting better. I can understand about not wanting to get help/ feeling that you don't matter but the key to stability and a better life is seeing a doctor/psychiatrist to get out of these cycles. I know it takes some effort a d when your depressed putting in effort is a job and a half. If you had stomach issues you'd see a gastro doc. I know each area of the country is different with available services. I think you are deserving of a better life seeing that you took care of your boyfriend for so long.. Time to be good to yourself. In AA they use the phrase "stinkin' thinking" as a factor which keeps them drunk, but that seems to be part of the problem for you in anyone's depressive episode.

Please try to put yourself on the human services radar. Call that place your previous doc worked and tell them you need help...do they have a replacement and if not can they give you names and referrals. No one should have to feel this way repeatedly for so long.

Again you matter here...you have helped so many. Please take the time to try to help yourself so you can have a good life

I mean all this in the best ways possible so please do not feel offended.. That is not my purpose. I am on the East coast., but keep reaching out because YOU ARE WORTH IT.