Dear internet friends. I'd like to share my latest experiences with unrequited feelings.

Like many of us, I experienced a lot of distress in my life. Things going wrong for various reason. But what I’m feeling now is unlike anything else I went through. The friendship I have has been the source of the most growth in my life but also the most pain.

I have a friend who I met at college. She approached me once before classes and we clicked instantly. We see each other regularly, once a month minimum. I know it doesn’t sound like much but I’m a distant person and to me it’s a lot actually. Sometimes we see each other more often of course. Each meeting is bliss, we discuss everything, and in my opinion we created serious emotional intimacy where we both know we care about each other deeply. Compliments, laughs, meet-ups spanning hours and hours. And its still is like that, it’s the same from the start. The only thing which doesn’t work in our friendship is the texting, i usually initiate and I wouldn’t bother if I wasn’t getting such positive feedback in person. She even got me a little gift lately. She suggested the next meeting herself when I last saw her. It’s very confusing because if she acted how she texted I wouldn’t bother. But I’m clingy so texting is just my problem I suppose.

What really messed me up, and what is the core issue of this bond is that for the longest time I wasn’t aware of her long distance relationship. We both failed to deal with it. She never mentioned her bf, and I never asked if she was available. I learned about her relationship a few days before I wanted to ask her out. I had everything planned etc. so I was getting ready to release all this tension and then I heard from her that she’s in a relationship. I really believe in justice, ethics, morality I’m a meek human being concerned for others and this has led me to not share what I feel as I believe that it’d be unfair towards someone in a relationship. Mind you I learned about her relationship after like 2 years of friendship. I assumed such a fundamental thing would’ve been brought up by that point, especially considering the bond that we have where we shared our problems talked about family and so on.

It’s been more than 6 months since I have learned that she’s unavailable. I do worse at school, I used to near a scholarship now I just care about surviving and passing. I also picked a specialisation which I don’t like so I been less engaged at school. Im in so much pain I wish it could stop. I don’t have any bad thoughts but I’m afraid it’ll progress and I’ll spiral. I can’t afford therapy, where I’m at it starts at 60€ per hour, I’m enrolled to courses which I need for my occupation and I just can’t pay for it. My college no longer offers free sessions for students. So I rely on friends and family but I’m like a broken record talking about the same things, besides most of them hurt me more than they helped. “Find a new one”; “just move on”; “it’s infatuation not real love”; “you only like her because she has a bf” “do you think they **** without rubber?” some of the bangers I heard from my close ones. Of course others have provided me very comforting words for which I’m very grateful. Problem is, nothing I tried gives me relief. Im improving my diet, going to gym, trying to focus on my interests and existing friendships but none of this helps. I’m constantly stuck thinking about her and feeling constant emotional pain.

I read a lot of **** online and none of the advice seems feasible for me. Many seem to advocate distancing yourself but I just can’t leave her. She’s a valuable friend which didn’t do anything wrong it’s just my male brain screwing me over. I didn’t want this, at first it was just a friendship and I was used to having female friends. I developed these feelings gradually.

In my life I ended up in a very peculiar environment. Private schools, very smart people, smarter than me, wealthier than me. This lead to me feeling like a a reject and I was impressionable and my self esteem was down in the dumps. So I started drinking, spending money on clothes, and I changed my character to fit in with the norm. I set out to blend in with them and become liked. I succeeded, but I paid the price of my true self. She helped me tap into who I really am. She inspired me to change myself for the better. I'm 1 year sober thanks to her.

Sometimes when I was on my way to high school I’d look out the tram window and imagine having a magical other which would understand me and how it would be us against all these people which weren’t evil, they were just different. I fantasised how we would not care about anyone else and we would do the quirky things we liked. How we would chill at home, make dinner and cuddle. How we would read books to each other. I created a very clear image of this person and the set of traits and characteristics I’d love to see in a partner. Sadly this friends fills too many of them. She has flaws too, which annoy me but that’s life. She’s the friend I always dreamt of. And this is egoistical to put so much pressure onto someone since I may have idealised her but objectively she has some great traits that can’t be ignored. She is everything I ever wanted. People tell me I’m eccentric and meeting other people that are similar is not easy, especially in the environments that I’m in. I’m not special, I just have odd beliefs and interests.

I can’t consider other romantic options. This woman is my girlfriend in my head. Since we’re close, and I didn’t know of her partner, dating became a formality in my head. And the things she was doing were confirming my idea that she was into me because I held such a belief. So it was just a big case of projection and confirmation bias. Maybe she only was being friendly.

I really wish I could tell her how much she means to me. Not to change anything just for her to understand. My disgusting mind has hopes that maybe she’s undecided or considering me as a partner, but I just can't carry this anymore. I want to tell her not in the full extent but I want her to know how I see her. I need upfront closure so bad. I feel like both of us were sending mixed signals.

I don't want to distance myself because we always have a blast in person and its not like i see her a ton anyways. I can't see how I'll move on from this. I'm so unintrested in making new connections its crazy. I have my social circle, but I just dont want aynone else but her. I was unaware of her bond for too long and it has caused me an emotional crisis. I should've asked earlier, but I didn't because im terrified of rejection and I didn't want to scare my friend away.

I know its not her job to tell me about her relationshisp I shouvle just asked but the places we went to and the way we spent time together seemed romantic to me. Walks in parks, caffes, museum, bookstores, intimate conversations. Always one on one it messed me up. What makes matters worse is that I dont know anyhting about her bf, and I learned about him almost accidentally. Its not like i was told about him, I found out myself by being an active listener, and asking many questions. Thats why its so hard for me to get closure. When I first heard of him I didnt even know if its a current thing or a thing of the past, no information. I still don't know anything about him except for the fact that she was with him when i asked a few months ago. I know so much about other parts of her life and this really bothers me.

This sucks. And I keep panically reading ****** online articles which invalidate my feelings further. Create distance, make new connections, set boundaries. I don't want to do any of this. I want to spend time with her because she's awesome.

sorry for this being wordy and chaotic but its really tough for me. I want to respect her the best I can,