Ooh I do understand not wanting to see physical health doctors due to mental health. Especially when eating disorder stuff is going on (that doubles for dentists… I saw one a few years ago before an ED relapse and I’m afraid to go back. Last time wasn’t even bad, just a few cavities to be filled and thin enamel so told to stay away from whitening tooth pastes. He didn’t seem too judgy when he asked about disordered eating and I told him either. It doesn’t help that in a cycling state I went like six months without really brushing my teeth and never flossing).

But I do fear any medical complaints will be chalked up to side effects or mental health/behaviors (esp w/ substance use and disordered eating). I mean, it usually is though for me… 🙃 I’m pretty sure I have PMDD but don’t even want to discuss it with anyone because it seems too “mental” for my gyno and too “physical” for pdoc. I’m lucky though that my mental health center has an integrated program where my PCP gets to talk to my pdoc and vice versa. My pdoc actually got me same day appointment when I broke my finger and it looked displaced (still does), and my therapist got me a same hour appointment when she thought I had scabies. Helps that they get to battle things out if it’s a “is it physical or mental” and I don’t have to feel like the child messenger between parents that hate each other.

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But I think I’ve realized I’m only afraid of appointments if I’m unwell enough that they might suggest hospitalization (which I’m instantly going to think of being tackled by security or getting 20 staples without anesthetic, etc.) or if im projecting the BPD on my treatment team (thanks @Nammu for instigating that thought). I shouldn’t worry about that too much with ACT (especially post BPD dx and there being a bit of literature against hospitalizing people with BPD for the intense but SHORT episodes) because they’re on my side with staying out of the hospital (exception being if I’m off meds and bipolar/schizoaffective taking lead like it was I guess).

I also just hate med management and the layout of the lobby (honestly sometimes the people too—I’ve had to call 911 for fights outside the building and seen people shyt and piss themselves in there waiting area which I don’t blame them—well I blame the dude for the fight—but I do understand some people are just so unwell whether physically or mentally accidents happen. That doesn’t mean I have to like it though &#128518.