First of all, I just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like you're in a lot of pain that has been largely dismissed by the people and articles you've come across. I can definitely relate to how easy it is to get into your own head about these things, especially when combined with fears of rejection - I had a similar experience of virtually (read: in my imagination) dating a female friend for a year, despite knowing she had a bf. You can create a living nightmare for yourself, swinging back and forth between desperate hope and despair.

Here's what I'm getting from what you're saying: You have a vision in your mind of what you would like the relationship to be, and the fact that it is not there causes intense frustration, and probably a lot of other unhappy thoughts and feelings. I hear that you don't feel like you could have a relationship with anyone else, but you are terrified of telling her how you feel, because she might say she isn't interested.

My question for you is, what would it mean for you if she did say no? Does it feel like that would somehow make you unloveable, or unworthy of love? I ask, because it sounds like this has been built up so much in your mind that a significant portion of your happiness and mental well-being is now hanging on her, and how she acts in relation to you. With that much at stake, you will always be afraid of losing her, even if she said yes. And that will cause it's own problems, believe me.

One of those problems, is a strong temptation to rationalize and sift your past experiences with her, as you have been doing - that's what the logical brain does, trying to connect the dots until it can explain it in a way that gives you some sense of control and stability. But you will never find that outside of yourself, because she is an independent person, with her own hopes, dreams, and values, and yes, they often won't align with yours. All that thinking about "well she did X, so that might mean Y or Z" is ultimately just distraction from the fact that the only way you will ever know what is happening with her, or how she feels about you, is to ask. The same way the only way SHE will ever know those things about you, is if you offer that information. Directly. No subtle hints or cues. Period.

But my guess is, the deeper issue comes from a struggle to feel like you are enough, just as you are, so you are trying to find it in this other person. You are a good person, and you are worthy of deep love and connection. Do you believe that, when you read this? If not, why? This is where I would suggest you start.

If you can believe you are good enough, all on your own, you won't be so worried about whether she has feelings for you or not, because you will have reclaimed your sense of self-worth. And that will benefit any relationship you have in the future.

I'm not saying that's easy to do - it's f**king hard. It may require a lot of sitting with yourself, journaling, thinking about past experiences, or talking with ChatGPT. It may also require a therapist, if the journey becomes too painful to go it alone. And you may uncover some painful stuff that led to the beliefs that hold you back today. But once you understand where they came from, you can finally start to let go of them. This is the only way to really break free of the cycle you're stuck in.