I am so sorry you are in the situation you describe and wish I knew what to say to help you.

What I am reading in your post is that you are feeling both envy and fears about the future. Maybe I have misread you though. If I have not misread you, I think that your feelings quite understandable. I would have the same feelings if I was in your shoes.

Envy is tough and sometimes one needs to have a psychotherapist in one's corner for help if envy is eating one alive and destroying one's peace of mind and joy of living.

There are articles on dealing with envy on the internet. Some are written by psychologists and are helpful.

So sorry again that you are in that situation. Sorry too that I don't know what to say to help. My heart goes out to you!!!