Yeah. I’m with you two. If only I could change my thoughts. I mean sometimes I guess you can if you have facts or evidence that suggests otherwise. But being able to change them just because it would make you feel better? Also, of course there’s feelings beneath anger. A ***** ton! And I don’t have issues identifying or naming them: anger, grief, jealousy, betrayed, vulnerable, a huge one: fear. And more.

I don’t actually really T’s style. I know she was CBT, but I thought only a little. I thought she was also DBT. Maybe those skills didn’t apply yesterday? I remember being so attached to her. In the end, I was supposed to see her once a month, but I could only stand every other week. I was attached to her. I know T’s personality is very direct and to the point (expect when she says “what do you want to talk about today?”). She does a lot of skills work.

L has spoiled me. Spoiled me with all the attention and dependency that probably isn’t too health. Texting and emailing everyday, as one example, is dependency on each other to sustain our attachment needs. People always have a reason to do things. I do not believe we altruistic even if we think we are doing something purely for someone else’s good. So L has something to gain by showering with all the things I crave. And I let her give it to me. I am responsible for my own boundaries.

I don’t know how to reject advice from people. Even here, as you know, people got upset at me for many reasons, one being not taking people’s advice. I’m not trying to reject the support. I just disagree with the solution. So even with T, I don’t know how to tell her no to CBT. That might just be who she is.

There is one good thing she shared yesterday: an app. It’s like a feelings journaling app where you can track your feelings and see any patterns arise. It called How We Feel. I haven’t played around with it, but from what she’s shown me, I might actually use it.

I’m not looking forward to going back next Thursday. I’d rather see my pdoc than T. She did wrap up all my processing of emotions in like 10mins. The only thing that saved us from ending early was that it took 30mins to do my self-care plan. I always struggle with how to fill it out. L is so good at helping me.