Dear Lord
Guess whos back, thats right its me. I spent the morning handling everything. I spoke as though he were here. I got a lot of answers. I wish this process wasnt so painful. What do we even learn from hardships? Perhaps to help others. I cam only help those who went through breakups and losses. Lost several friendships and so much more. But You are still here. What a cruel trick to play, to teach me only You are sufficient. How am I supposed to be satisfied being with You? Is this solitude really that beneficial to me? I remember a few years ago in covid i was fine i didnt need anyone. Only recently the pain of being bored and lonely began. But I used to cry when dad didnt let me go to play. So many signs. I have resorted to raising myself and I still fail. Even my therapist wasnt there. How could I have been left so alone? Was this the lesson you were trying to teach me? I went through all the emotions. I cant even sing without feeling strange. Save me. Look how unpredictable I am. The others are too by the way. They are all humans. Why did you even make humans so fallible? Why do I know so much yet know so little? All of my friends went ahead of me. Maybe they have never been depressed, never experienced a break up as bad as mine was. Mixed in with a trauma bond. Only You know why we seek out validation from rude people. I love old movies. But they also make me cry. So many like me have been through the same. Or similar. Or there are stories at least. As long as the humans have been around, it has been the human condition to err. To err is human. Then why all this pain? To others? Drop a glass or something, why cheat my trust? Or did he even? Or did he find a way to fool me? His name means to honour. It means pride, dignity. I dont feel very proud of him but I have to sit and honour everything. All the good parts and let go of the sad parts. Perhaps I was in darkness and I attracted darkness. Or maybe I am the same thats why i am feeling this. He caused pain out of the shortcoming of his own pain.
I know You are speechless. You knew this guy. Why did You wait? Oh wait its my own fault, i was away from You. Right. Thanks for having me back. Like where were the angels. Free will. Me, innocent, stupid, walking on and on in the dark. Wheres the light Lord? You are the light. Great. Thanks for having me back .
Amen.