Dear Lord
I keep fearing men. Its okay to call up my guy friend, the only guy I talk to. If they are standing or sitting its fine. The second they move, I dont like it. My hands freeze. Trauma response apparently. But my friend has told me to face that fear slowly. I am experiencing burnout. I seem to have returned to my old way of speaking in curt sentences. Which means I am tired again. And I used to speak like this because I used to get interrupted a lot. Maybe texting is my thing. Who knows. I know that others may have been through worse but it doesnt take away what I have also been through. Lord, in our darkest times. This happens. Its true they say, when it rains, it pours. Everything bad that could happen, happened within a year or two and now I am living with it since a year and struggling. I want freedom. Give me freedom. Tomorrow I am gonna speak to my therapist. I know she will say I cant look for a donut in a tyre shop. I am in denial. My friend said, oh I would love to meet your parents, meanwhile he said oh your dad is here time to leave I guess. Creepy. Because he assumed the dynamic is like that. That is how they fool people. I mourn the lack of instinct in me. I am trying to understand everything now itself when in reality I know it will take time. I skipped classes, assignments and even exams, I went home and escaped every bloody thing, and still watched a movie with my family. I pray often now. Be with me.
Amen