Good morning, Lord. As you can already see, my life is weird now. You've given me everything. Given me college, given me a home, now my mom and dad and sister are nicer to me. And why am I stuck? Why am I still crying? You've given me therapy and you've given me tuition classes. Maybe it's my fault that I keep ruminating and I'm ruining my life and everybody else's. Wasting money, wasting time because of it. But can't you see that I am stuck here? I can't even do meditation because it reminds me of the past so badly. I am seriously, seriously stuck. I don't know why people don't see that I am this scared and that it is not in my control. If it were, I would probably be able to just talk to anybody out there. I'll tell you something, Lord. It is written that a little slumber, little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come like a thief, an attack. I don't know if I said the verse correctly, but the point is that it comes like an attack and I never realized. Maybe this is what has happened. It was slow. Suddenly it built up and then there was this attack. You see how I continuously try to rationalize everything and my whole brain and body is directing the energy towards this alone. I have therapy in two hours. I don't even know what she'll say. I'm just confused at this point. I keep remembering my friend who was with me when I was lost. I was in moms office and lying down and sleeping. All I did was sleep in those days. My body was exhausted, trying to stay alive. Even food wasnt regular. I did this to myself. I didnt exercise, i didnt socialise, i didnt study, i ate too less and too irregularly, i didnt pray or read the bible as often as I should, i wasted time with useless people and didnt move out sooner. I couldve joined college then, but I was busy recovering. How could I have managed? My pride got in the way. I wanted to do so much. Only movies showed me the reality of war. But thats the whole reason afterwards, I wanted to escape. No wonder I was in my laptop so much, in my phone and distracted always, I did this to myself. My cognitive ability went down and I know it will improve. I can see the brighter days. I imagine it to be the way you promised, running over. But here is the deal right, I wake up and have loads to do. Either my clothed are all over or the notes are incomplete or I didnt exercise and I am WASTING my time. But my therapist says overthinking means my body is trying to tell me something. The whole universe wants me to be away from this man. Notice how my prayers got more and more unhinged. I am stuck, Lord. DO SOMETHING
Please
Amen