***TRIGGER****

I'm so alone.

In this world full of people, I've never felt so alone. I chat with my close friends everyday, yet it seems like when all else fails, I feel they can't be there when I need them. They always tell me, "I'm here," but I know they'll not be there when that time comes.

I have few close friends. Oh well. I want a bestfriend, like that person whom you can call in the middle of the night and just vent on? And he/she will just be like a pillow and absorb you. But I'm afraid. My dilemma is, I don't want to be close to anyone now 'cause it's hard to lose people you treasure most.

I'm having those dreams again.

GRRR. I hate having to wake up shaking... and helpless. In my dreams, I feel like it's happening again. That forceful thrust, that push in the head to suck his %#@&#!. WTF. It's sooooooo.... idk. And you know what's the sad thing? I have to effing pretend that I'M OKAY. That nothing is going on. ;[

Why does someone have to die?!

Fk that. Why does Kenneth have to die?! I hate my father's intrusion into my private life. He should've left me alone. If he doesn't want me and my exbf to be together, then that's it. Why does he have to call him up?!!# It only lead to a car accident and his brother dying.. It's been 5 months since it happened. I still feel guilty about someone dying. AND IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT. Why do I have to suffer his ******* consequences?! That cheater. And one thing, my mother is so ******* of an idiot to let my father back in her life. He cheated on you mom, countless times. He had a son. Wtf are you on about?!

He got married, wtf.

Woooo. Fixed marriages suck!! My exbf got married Wednesday last week and moved to London. Wow. I hope they divorce after 6 months. You know, I hate the society. Why do rich people have to marry rich ones too????? I didn't love him for his money. I can live with a simple life. Why do some people have to do this... it's so unfair. He's 25 FFS. Oh well. I guess nothing is free anymore, even love. I don't believe in love anymore. It's either you'll just be hurt/abused, or he'll be taken away from you. ;[ Now the only guy who isn't perverted enough to abuse me is gone.

I'm losing motivation.

I have placed myself in a 3-month isolation from reality back in February - April 2008. I drifted from my friends, refused to talk to anyone, and just locked myself in the room and busied myself with being online. I figured, maybe if I'm another identity that no one knows, I could be happy. But no.

My friend whom I treat as my older brother told me, I should go on and live... 'cause I have every reason to. I can't understand that. Sometimes, I wanna give up. I don't want to wake up anymore. I have the pills there... I can choose not to wake up. But I still try and live, even if I don't see the point. I'm so helpless and frustrated. ARGGGGH.

Sorry, I haven't vented out in so long. Not even to a friend... so I'm really sorry. ;[ I just need to let this out. You don't even have to reply... thanks for reading.

I have a class in roughly an hour. OH WELL. I don't think I should go to my University... *pushes self to the door* Go to school, gdi.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>