John, you're a great guy.

Just from my perspective, what you are saying aobut being open about it is a gift for you and for your wife. My ex lied so much, buried so much... I thought I was going crazy. But, his problems were also much deeper than yours. He got involved in a lot of things that would take years probably for us to work through, and the depression it caused me didn't help.

I can see in some instances how guilty he feels, and yet my anger is still there for the many lies and the long-term deceit. Not only did he have an affair, he was literally having multiple affiars simultaneously. And in our case, until I started suspecting what he was up to, we had a pretty good sex life. Not perfect, no fantasy, but pretty darned active.

I agree with someone else who posted that it is better to try to repair and work on your marriage than it is to throw it away. Your wife will no doubt feel a lot of anger, pain, and hurt. She is trying in her own way, and your wife does deserve your honesty.

No matter what though, I hope you present your truth to her in a way that does not make her feel inadequate or as if she is lacking something. I would surmise that her imagination may be running wild too. She may be full of questions, and will take a long time to rebuild trust in you.

Yes. Men are not good at hiding feelings. I noticed my ex becoming more depressed and miserable each day. I took the high road for a long time -- i tried to work on myself... taking care of myself, studying, working, taking care of our kids. But the constant stress and worry about not getting my personal needs met -- the lack of affection, time together, that sort of thing -- killed me inside for a long time.

It is good to be open and honest (but in a kind way). Secrets have a way of building and then exploding when you least expect it. I hope it all works well for you. In the long run, it is much easier to repair the damage when you first realize what is wrong and you are truthful.

Take care.