My 'relationship' with this woman has taken a turn. We'd been talking about getting together for a weekend in May or a whole week in June, but she has informed me a turn of events in her life have meant her schedule permits neither. Our meeting has been pushed back to August, September, or even October. This is deeply disturbing to me, and makes me feel intensely sad. I feel like later in the summer she'll just say that's no good either, and it'll keep getting pushed back until she stops speaking to me altogether. I don't know if I can take that kind of heartbreak, and I shouldn't have allowed myself to develop these feelings for her in the first place.

We've spent so much time together online, and we've been declaring our love and commitment to each other, but now that's pushed back. I feel like I'd move heaven and Earth just to see her, like I'd spend 16 hours driving just to be with her for 1, but on the other hand it feels like I'm not a priority in her life. Now, after that particular conversation, she's not even online at all tonight. I'm really sad. I cried about it last night, although tonight I haven't (yet).

I haven't conveyed to her how this makes me feel; instead, I've been supportive of her needs. This is because I've found in life that when I try to assert myself and my needs in a relationship, the relationship always takes a turn for the worse and soon ends. So I don't have a choice, I can't tell her how this makes me feel because then she'll leave me. I have to be supportive of her scheduling needs at the expense of my own.

That said, I've put in for a few extra days off in May, and I intend to use them to get away. I'm going to visit Anchorage, Alaska. I've chosen that city because I want to get out of the country and visit a place I've never visited before. I'm doing it just for the sake of doing it. I just need to get away from this dank, little apartment and this depressing city. So I'm going. I was going to use those days to visit her, but now that that's not possible I'm going to go away anyways, just for myself.