Expecting someone to change because you want them to is an exercise in frustration. That is never why someone changes, one may pretend in order to please but it does not last, ever. This is important to know when communicating with someone, if you avoid phrases like ‘change’ or ‘fix’ whether you say it about yourself or someone else, to yourself or someone else it is meaningless, it is a way of loading one side with not only all of the responsibility to ‘fix’ the relationship but also to decide whether the relationship is worth ‘saving’.
Wherehaveigone, it sounds like you don’t feel that you have the freedom to seperate from your husband, that you ‘need’ him whilst being fully repulsed by him and his repetitive behaviours, it’s a terrible spot to be in. It’s possible that if you just accept that if he is to change he must do it on his terms, like it or not, and that your feedback is only solidifying his lack of intention to change anything then maybe you can save yourself the energy of willing him to fix himself. It’s a burden that doesn’t serve you at all, aside from it being an outlet for your frustration, anger and fear, which really, without a resolution, will forever be replenished.
What are your options here Wherehaveigone, and which ones are the most agreeable to you? None of them may be great right now, but one must be better than another.