Thanks @unaluna for your reply, I'm glad you found happiness.

My experience is completely different. As I mentioned, I'm at the service of others. I'm irrelevant outside of that.

Even my adult kids behave this way toward me. I'm supplying money at the moment but that'll come to an end soon enough. And then what?

I guess I could try to find happiness, but where? And what's the point? There's no one to just be with me and accept me just because I exist, a luxury some seem to have.

I'm told that I need to live my truth, my authentic life. What a load of crap! I'm not rich, I'm not influential, I don't have power, so living my truth is not an option.

If I were to live my truth, I would not be of any use to anyone at all, so what's the point?

It seems there's really nothing left except to survive day by day and to simply wait for the day that surviving is no longer necessary.

It looks like my pdoc was right all those months ago, I've reached the end of the line and there's really nothing else to do. Sure I can go to therapy, why not. Sure I can try psylocibin. But in the end, there's nothing else to do.

(Before anyone freaks out, no, I'm not suicidal. God forbid we discuss that. My words stand as they are with no further meaning, but I wanted to clarify)