Hello I'm new to this forum. I am writing here but I have not been diagnosed, but I suspect this might be a likely diagnosis for me. In particular, I am very prone to self-harm, splitting, emotional dysregulation (rage), and self-diffusion. The latter is a source for a lot of shame. I'm reading "Beyond Borderline" to see how much I related, but I thought I would share here and see if anyone would like to share with me their experiences with this disorder and any advice. To be clear, I don't know if I have BPD but it seems possible given the symptoms. So if you see this and anything I say resonates with you, or you just want to take the open invitation to share when you found out you had it, please feel free.

I was never diagnosed fully with anything (somehow treatment always ends before this can be done), but after a couple of hospitalizations in my twenties (I'm forty now), it was thought that I had schizoaffective, then it seemed more likely bipolar and OCD.

Just today my therapist of five years ended it abruptly because I didn't like the psychiatrist she had picked out for me and I had failed to set up an appointment which she had mandated for my continuing to see her. I had finally begun to come around to seeing a psych again (she'd been pushing me to do it for some time now) but I was having trouble finding one I felt comfortable with. And I couldn't shake this mounting worry that she was trying to get rid of me by pawning me off on the psych she picked out (he is also a therapist and trained at the same analytical institute as her). He also revealed over the phone to me that she told him she felt uncomfortable with me, which set off my paranoia like an alarm. But I get it. I think the things I was telling her--SI etc---were just above her paygrade. She had shown signs of trying to get rid of me in the past, too, but the realization was too painful and I think I sort of hid it under some kind of excuse that she just made little mistakes. (It has been extremely difficult letting myself see her humanity, including the possibility that she was just exhausted with me and needed to not be my therapist anymore.) I have been vacillating constantly between seeing her as this gentle motherly figure and an icked out woman disgusted by my presence. I've found that journaling helps me cycle from the rage of the latter and the loss of the former, and back to a (admittedly terrifying) more realistic perspective, that she just couldn't help me anymore, and that she's neither evil nor omniscient. Which means there's no master plan; no one's in charge.

What I'm suffering from a lot at the moment is SI, struggles with alcohol and bingeing/purging, and rage. But what does come up a lot, and it's hard to talk about because it's been so aggressively invalidated by parents in my young adulthood, is these weird optical things, where rooms appear to breathe, or people sort of glow. Sometimes the paranoia sort of mixes with this and I get to seeing either people or some sort of metaphysical presence communicating insults to me. The flip side of this is that at times I have a way heightened sense of self, to the point where I think I'm a spiritual savior. Lately, however, it's mostly the opposite, like a catastrophic feeling that the world is ending. It's a very distinct combination of sorrow and horror. I'm not on any meds and haven't been for many years now. I've made an appointment to meet with a counselor to try and find a new treatment plan. I am open to trying DBT but don't want to do any meds as I am in an academic program with a fellowship and don't want to cause any side effects that could jeopardize that.

Anyway, if you read all that then I thank you and I hope I have not triggered you.