Welcome to the forums. I’ll try and write a more detailed response later (I’m on a phone at a Dunkin’s right now and I’m not fond of phone typing), but hard to diagnose, conflict with treatment providers, and self-harming/self-sabotaging behavior like you write about are the hallmarks of my and many people’s BPD experience.

There’s a lot of growth you can do independent of “therapists” with workbooks, independent reading, educational videos, support groups/forums, etc. There’s a guy on YouTube dr Daniel fox who has some good info if you feel the need to get into the nitty gritty of the disorder. He has a workbook too that I’m going through right now that can be tough at times but I think is overall worth it.