I feel like I’ve reached a no turning back point. I’ll try a bite of food and it’s like “nah, this ain’t worth screaming on the floor if I swallow” and spit it out. I managed a few crackers my neighbor gave me. She saw me crying in the laundry room the other night.

I have a PCP appointment tomorrow but I’m not gonna force anything. I’m just gonna be like “yeah, I’ve tried getting help but I think I explain bad and I can’t put up with this pain so I think I’m just gonna eat crackers for the rest of my life so don’t worry about referrals or making a follow up or anything.”

I know if I didn’t have this ED, the chronic wanting to be dead and all related self-sabotaging bs from BPD, if I had trust in our healthcare system, I’d be more proactive and assertive, but that’s not the case, so.