Its your "evil introject." Thats the bad part of your parent that you could not tolerate your parent possessing and inflicting on you, so you took it upon / into yourself. Like people who make self-deprecating jokes "before other people do" but worse.

Worse because it feels like you simply cannot be nice to yourself. Not super nice, just even basically nice. Like change your diaper feed you pay attention to you nice. Like notice you exist nice. Like kiss you before they leave for work, or when they come home nice. Nothing nice. Its like yeah you have to go to France for that. I wanted to go to France too.

Donald Winnicott is the evil introject guy. I love him. So does Alison Bechdel. I am beginning to think that the evil introject is what some people call the devil. It is perverse and relentless and you feel there is no way out. That to do otherwise is betrayal of some sort.