Not really comparing. Just saying I don’t want to deal with this right now, and people are going to say “better times have come and will come again,” but I want all this over with now. I don’t want to figure out how to feel safe sleeping again, figure out how to eat again, just to be able to get back up to my “baseline” of “only” passively suicidal most the time.

I don’t want to talk to my case manager talk later about how great I’m doing right now either because I haven't yet inflicted damage that needs stitches or naloxone or activated charcoal and that I put the outlet plates on all by myself and made my bed. Yeah, it was an achievement, but she’s going to miss the point that it was an achievement because I do want to inflict that kind of damage and I had to take so many breaks just making the bed and doing the outlets to not get frustrated with weak muscles and shaky hands and feeling like I would pass out every time I moved too quickly because I am not doing well.

Went on a just over 5 mile walk this morning no problem because I had a protein bar yesterday and a bottle of Pedialyte (it also was a nice mid 30’s temp out which was way better than the probably 80’s it would've been in the apartment during the day too), but I have worn myself out doing that shyt.

I don’t think I can eliminate the negative. A lot of it is already “gone” and the trauma is now just haunting my body like some kind of ghost, the rest is taking so long to get rid of. Like moving a mountain by shoveling it bit by bit somewhere less in the way. Then there’s always more that just comes along and sets up shop without permission.

How do I accentuate the positive more though? I’m trying to appreciate my living space, but it feels invaded right now. I’m trying to take it back and make myself feel at he again at a slightly faster than comfortable pace. I have the dogs at the shelter that I have to get better so I can go and take care of them, and do my shadowing and jazz, but I know that, just can’t accentuate it I guess. I’m grateful for the location of my apartment building which is super convenient, even though its not the safest part of the city, the building itself is decked out with cameras and locks on both the outsides and at every door and plenty of rules that get people kicked out and police come down here in a hurry over other places because a lot of us have histories on every side of the story. I guess it’s cool to be surrounded by such unique people who have survived more than most can say they have who are, for the most part, willing to help their neighbor out in whatever way they can.

I am thinking of ditching my CM today though.