Oh wow, I slept 7 hours First time in a long time!

I've been thinking a lot about my situation. Not circling or orbiting, but really exploring and challenging what I think are clear thoughts.

I think I've finally figured out that fear is at the core of how I responded to my world and how I interpreted what I thought was evidence. I realized that it wasn't a defect in the way I thought it was. It was raw survival, the only way to cope in a bad situation.

I was stuck in a pattern for decades, my whole life actually. It's just how I came to cope with what I found myself in, it wasn't a shortcoming.

I think it's really amazing that I actually play a big role in what's happening. I also have to respect that the choices I made were based on what I understood at the time which was the result of the situation I was in, something I could not control.

It's a subtle interplay. Now that I'm aware of it, I can reframe my existence and maybe finally find some agency and peace.

(Just the result of lots of - years actually - thinking)