Ok, I am going way too fast with myself lately. First I change my sn, and today I went back to the new job where I was picked up at and actually started working.

I had to have a talk with the managers first and reassure them that I wasn't going to freak out or anything [sigh] and I wanted to make sure that they wanted me for the job, not still offering it out of pity or because they had already extended the offer and couldn't figure out how to back out of it.

I gave them a choice - any reservations about me or my work performance, and I would leave. No problem, no issues. They were ok with it, concerned slightly but not reconsidering the offer - my direct supervisor said that he was looking forward to having me there.

I did my orientation and the mounds of paperwork and watched all those "fun" videos and then the lady who hired me asked me if I could stay awhile. Here I am in jeans, tongs on my feet and a sloppy shirt --- sure, I'm ready [I was so embarrassed].

I stayed till 6pm, then went home and fixed dinner. Alex is always afraid now that I won't be coming home [sigh]. Anyway, I told my mom the truth today as well and then my T called.....perfect timing. We did agree no phone call tomorrow..and I see him Wed.

I work everyday this week now with Friday off - my back is sooooooooo not happy. I haven't done this many hours in about 5 months. I hope I can do it.

I'm scared........I'm slipping back into "efficiency" mode and everyone will think I am "fine" again. Already my husband says I am "back on track"...........how can he or anyone not realize that I am not??

What happens if I can't do this job or the real me comes out and screws it all up? Omg, I have to keep stuffing her way down out of sight.........can I do this all the time anymore? Will my back give out esp when I am really NOT supposed to be doing all this work and this many hours?? :::::::::ulling hair out::::::::::

Ok, I'm stressing......breathe............[sigh]. I am the Front End Supervisor or Front End World Leader at a major retail toy store. The entire front end, cashiers, service desk, any cash shortages, training/motivating employees, keeping lines short with 10 registers..........all up to me and my jurisdiction. And Christmas is coming.........

And if I manage all this, where do "I" go to? Back to not feeling anything because there will be no time, no place for "me" to come out except at my T's and here. But everyone will happy b/c I am providing and doing my job.

I work tomorrow afternoon till close. I have one more job interview in the morning, which I didn't want to cancel. Plus I still have a job that is expecting me to be gone for 5 weeks starting next week. OMG......

Mary Alice