A few weeks ago I was a bit off the rails, wrote a lot of probably really triggering stuff, was just not a good presence on the forum in general. I apologize for any stress I've caused.

(the update bit past here has some some stuff that might be triggering discussing medical stuff from malnutrition and a threat I made about dying to my treatment team)
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Ended up in the medical hospital against my will (really unwell, severe hypoglycemia, moderate hypokalemia, etc etc.) got some IVs. They took me off all my psych meds and I went batshyt so they gave me a lot of IM Zyprexa, put me in the psych dungeon, and I got akathetic and went even more wild. They wanted to send me to the state hospital, but they wouldn't even accept me because of being medically unstable. I'm on a wait list for eating disorder treatment now, off the Topamax (back on a small dose of Adderall XR because when I was off it they couldn't tell if I was psychotic or not because of how disorganized, emotionally labile, and impulsive I was. I was not, I don't think, but what do I know?). Should get a call back from someone by June.
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Just been chilling since I got out. Still struggling majorly with the eating disorder of course (but not on the verge of death today so that's cool I guess), but my bed bug stuff, a new violin bow, and a rubber practice mute (I have a metal one but I figure I can be a little louder sometimes if it sounds better) came in the mail. I'm going to go out and get a hand vacuum and a plastic bin later and continue/further cleaning up/unpacking/trying to avoid re-infestation post-exterminator visit.

I'm supposed to meet with my pdoc and CM monday and therapist Tuesday. Not looking forward to any of it just because my CM just irks me lately, and before I went to the hospital I (with admittedly too much gusto and scurrility), flipped out at my T and pdoc and blamed them for what I thought was going to be my very soon death. (Really it would've been more my CM who kept saying I was doing great and my pdoc was the concerned one trying to help, but my notes never read "good judgment" and my blood sugar read 20 at one point so it's not like a lot of logic has been going into what I've been doing or saying recently).

I'm not really going to try and "recover" recover right now, but I am going to make an effort in keeping myself alive to get that phone call from the ED program (there's all of two PHPs for EDs in the whole state NH and no IPs or residentials by the way. I might not even be able to go to the PHP they set me up for because of transportation issues unless walking or biking 30 miles a day is a thing they want me doing which I know it's not for someone who was just seizing and passing out because I can't fuel myself enough consistently to make it to appointments and keep my apartment in one piece.).
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Anyway, not entirely sure how active I'll be here the next bit, but I got medical care and am awaiting possible actual ED-specific treatment and have decided to try to survive longer. Hope you guys have been doing okay, I'll catch up on the check-in thread later on.