I went out with a new male friend last night. We've gotten to know each other over the last few weeks, we've been texting a lot and hanging out together casually here and there. We're just friends, but I think he may be interested in more.

Well, I noticed my people-pleasing narcissistic abuse victim mentality coming out with him last night after the band ended. The show was 8-10:30. We arrived at 7 and the show ended early at 10:30. Well, I could tell he wanted to hang out more or go somewhere else, but I was concerned about drinking and driving and I didn't want to just go to another bar and sit for an hour drinking water. There was nowhere to really hang out after, so I said I was heading home. I could tell he was disappointed since he commented about me being "an early bird", meaning I go to bed early and wake up early.

My people-pleasing nature therefore felt guilty this morning for doing what I wanted to do - which was to leave right after the band finished. I did not see a need nor did I have the desire to go to another bar, or hang out in our car talking and listening to music. I also didn't want to put myself into any kind of awkward position with him. Meaning, I did not want to open up the possibility for a goodnight kiss, so I said goodnight and went home.

So why should I feel guilty about putting my needs and desires first? Because of narcissistic abuse. I am so conditioned to put others' needs and wants ahead of mine that I feel guilty for placing my needs ahead of other people's stated desires.

I still have some ground to cover in my recovery from narc abuse. SIGH... It's disheartening.