My Support Forums - View Single Post - Can I ever feel like living is worthwhile?

MuddyBoots · May 03, 2025, 06:17 AM

I'm addicted to abusing myself. I've been psych inpatient over 30 times (a few involuntarily admitted) and I'm not even 30 years old. Dx'd with BPD, bipolar, ADHD, an eating disorder (has fluctuated throughout the years back and forth between bulimia and anorexia, right now mostly AN-R stuff), (C)-PTSD, and substance use disorder (clean from everything 2 months).

I've been in therapy (regular talk therapy, DBT, some kind of cult group thing, SMART recovery), on meds, out of therapy, off meds, I've moved around, I've tried being independent, I've tried relying on people, I've tried being in a band, I've tried chopping ice until I can't move. I drink water, sleep, shower daily, get outside every day, talk to people.

Possible trigger:

Yet I still feel today I need to make sure I require as many stitches as many pounds heavy I am. I still feel like I have to save all my klonopins until before I talk to anyone from my treatment team just to not be cruel, threatening (towards myself or them), to not concern them to the point I go straight back to the ER after five minutes of speaking. I don't think I've gone more than two days in a row my whole life without having at least fleeting active suicidal ideations. I really can't recall such a time. I feel like I need to get back in touch with an ex that "wasn't good" for me because otherwise I'll be alone forever and that's worse. I feel like I should just get really fking high ASAP and forget I exist just to get through the morning. I feel like I'm permanently damaged. No matter how well the broken jar is reassembled the cracks will always show and it's never going to be as "secure" as one that's never shattered.

Song I have on repeat's lyrics that explain the thoughts:

Possible trigger:

Enslaved by the demons, hung from the noose
I'm in no hurry, how 'bout you?
As I search for the meaning,
hunt for the truth
You aren't worried if I'm any good

When the worst is relieving
when there's no use
Know where I'm heading,
nothing to lose

(CKY-Head For a Breakdown)