Just answering the Q's, gonna be triggering for the same reason this whole thread is.


I guess it depends what kind of brain damage (or other results). If I'm off in la la land forever (like post-concussion confusion), I'd be fine with that. If I'm basically the same but stupider, but not stupider enough to not stress over being stupider, then I'd be a bit pissed, and probably just try again/some other way. If I end up with some nerve thing and get pain, I'd be okay for a while but probably get frustrated after it's proven itself "chronic." If I lose my short term memory or vision or get permanent pins and needles or numbness, that'd be worth it. If nothing happens but losing my ability to play music whether through cognition or physical impairment, I'd for sure try again. I wouldn't be bothered by getting more scars at this point, or if I really really fried my liver, or if I have more hallucinations (unless there's a significant increase in the tactile kind).

I looked it up before I did it and calculated how much strictly iso I'd need to die and didn't get close to that, and I know the risk with alcohol + benzos is mostly not being able to breathe and I wasn't particularly panicked about possibly not doing so (it wasn't even that much clonazepam, it was 4mg throughout the whole 400mL bottle and I only had two sips). Honestly, got intoxicated and felt amazing and wasn't tempted to drink the rest especially after the nausea from the second sip.

I don't know. When I go there's usually a day or two I feel okay and generally in control, and then I dip down again and they attribute the dipping down to being in there too long. The NP I like and work with more than half the time I go voluntarily gets concerned that I get retraumatized when I'm hospitalized from times I've been overdosed, threatened by other patients, had severe reactions to meds, been restrained, and just having the connection of being in an inpatient environment during periods of extreme mood states and severe psychosis previously. The longest stay I ever had was 42 days, and that didn't feel any more helpful than a typical week or two stay other than it being less chaotic than choosing between my dad's (I think that's where I went from), my mom's, whoever would let me sleepover at the time, or finding a spot for a car or tent.
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I am back at my apartment now, but I don't have any readily accessible easy ways to try to kill myself. Dull knife, scissors barely capable of cutting paper, some acetaminophen (but I'm not going to OD on that, that's too long a waiting period IF I even have a fatal amount on me), just tonight's meds that I'm going to take in a little bit. I mean, I could always leave and then possibilities are endless, but I don't think I will (as of this second at least).

I will tell my pdoc what I did tomorrow (and try to be weighed as dry and accurately as possible). I see her before my CM's scheduled time that she may or may not show up for. I've only had two or three times I went to a scheduled pdoc appointment and didn't see her, so she's at least pretty reliable.