I woke up at 3:30 am this morning from a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep. So I am awake and it's only 4:00 am. I've had coffee already.

Then I started watching Instagram videos and the tears started to flow.

I am a mess. I am in no shape to be dating anyone.... I am still healing, and am not healed yet from everything.

I am struggling with the first half of my life being such a disaster.

This new guy I am hanging out with - I keep spilling out details about my troubled past. I wasn't happy many many years ago, my ex husband abused me, many bosses have bullied me, I have been in multiple toxic relationships, I had a very difficult time getting my career off the ground... the list and details go on. I feel like a tragedy, and I cannot seem to stop myself from telling him these things about myself.

How do you talk about your life without talking about your past?

And this new-ish female friend I am camping with in a few weeks - yesterday I had a dreadful feeling that she is not as nice as I think she is, and that something dark is there beneath the surface within her. She has trouble being monogamous, which is not me at all. She is a cheater, and I am starting to wonder if she likes the thrill of being secretive as a part of the whole thing. I've suggested she be in an open relationship, yet she is resistant for some reason, even though she has already cheated on and hurt her partner and relationship. She continues to talk about struggling with monogamy, yet is resistant to my suggestion. That's why I am suspecting she likes the thrill of secrecy, and it's possible she even said as much to me.

There's something about her I don't fully trust. And whenever we are out together at a music club together, she talks to everyone except for ME. She speaks very little to me, but is a social butterfly around strangers - and I find that behavior to be strange. I feel neglected.

And here we are going to a 3-day camping music festival together, just the two of us, and I am getting nervous about the situation. Will I be ignored the whole time? Will she invite other people to our campsite and ignore me? How will it be being there with her? I am getting more and more nervous to the point of ALMOST wanting to back out - but I can't back out - it's far too late in our planning and we've bought many things for the trip and have had many conversations about what to bring with us.

I cannot go through yet another toxic friendship and friendship breakup. I've had far too many of those situations since my divorce.

So these thoughts are swirling around in my head this morning and I feel distraught.

Not to mention the negative situation with my boss at work and being on pins and needles waiting for our dept Director to get back to me about a change in bosses. I know he will say, or I suspect he will say, that it is not feasible and that he still recommends that I approach Human Resources as a next step. I declined already that suggestion, telling him I am concerned about things getting worse and not better.

I have SO much on my mind these days. I am a wreck.