So, OK, here it is, and I've seen this many times, in my own ex husband and other toxic types I have come across.

Bev is very likely a narcissist, or is just plain toxic. Either way it falls, what she is doing is deflecting all responsibility for her hurtful words onto you, and is taking the ownership off herself and is blaming you for your reaction to her hurtful words.

A narcissist never takes responsibility for their harmful actions towards others, they always blame the other person, and they always deflect responsibility. They also have no introspection ability, conflicts with a narcissist always escalate quickly into explosions, and they also shut down all communication as a manipulation tactic to get the other person to take ownership and be the one to apologize and make amends. It's an impossible relationship dynamic that cannot be sustained. Inevitably, people walk away from the narcissist.

You are not responsible for mending the fences. She says hurtful things, and you naturally react with hurt and try to explain how that behavior hurts you. She will never be compassionate about how her actions or words effect you, because the narcissist has ZERO empathy for how their harmful behavior hurts other people. What's even more sick and disturbing about this personality type is that they actually get off on hurting other people because it makes them feel more important and powerful.

So, you have a choice. Either you always become the one to apologize and make amends, even if the responsibility does not fall onto you to apologize, and you end up being the victim of her harmful and toxic behaviors, or you distance yourself to protect yourself from any further harm. This woman will NOT change, and she will never apologize to you and she will never take ownership. So either you walk away or you continue to be hurt at times by her dagger-like words.

The narcissist always also accuses the victim of being delusional, or crazy, or to have mental health disorder for their reaction to the harm they inflict.

If it were me, I'd walk away and hold her at a great distance. But that's me. I protect my emotional safety and mental health fully by walking away from any toxic person I come across. So, unfortunately, this is how she is and now you have a choice to make.

I am very sorry you are dealing with such a person. 5% of the world's population are narcissists.