Well heck! I was assembling a reply some hours ago, with quotes interspersed with my thoughts and I had put alot of work into it but I fell asleep before completing and posting it.... just woke up and wanted to get back to it and it is nowhere to be found! I guess I was assembling it in one of these Quick Reply windows, copying and pasting bits and pieces from elsewhere, etc.. But for whatever reason it's gone. I've been looking everywhere and it looks like I'll have to start over. ***big sigh***
OK I had started off saying how difficult parts of this process are to me. Really, unbelievably difficult for me to grasp certain things. For example -- I'm hearing alot of feedback about the kind of person Bev likely is: someone who will never take responsibility, never acknowledge or validate my perspective when conflict arises... And the following from Have Hope:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope
Bev is very likely a narcissist, or is just plain toxic. Either way it falls, what she is doing is deflecting all responsibility for her hurtful words onto you, and is taking the ownership off herself and is blaming you for your reaction to her hurtful words.
A narcissist never takes responsibility for their harmful actions towards others, they always blame the other person, and they always deflect responsibility. They also have no introspection ability, conflicts with a narcissist always escalate quickly into explosions, and they also shut down all communication as a manipulation tactic to get the other person to take ownership and be the one to apologize and make amends. It's an impossible relationship dynamic that cannot be sustained. Inevitably, people walk away from the narcissist.
She will never be compassionate about how her actions or words effect you, because the narcissist has ZERO empathy for how their harmful behavior hurts other people. What's even more sick and disturbing about this personality type is that they actually get off on hurting other people because it makes them feel more important and powerful. The narcissist always also accuses the victim of being delusional, or crazy, or to have mental health disorder for their reaction to the harm they inflict.
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Reading this information it is scary how accurately it describes Bev. On one level, I don't want to believe it. For these things to be true, it seems like she must be a truly terrible person. And these descriptions do ring true, very true. But I have a very difficult time accepting the idea that she is a terrible person. She exhibits alot of love and compassion for sick, homeless animals, and will go so far as to take a sick homeless animal to the vet and pay for its treatment and care, often very expensive and something she really can't afford. She commiserates alot about how skyrocketing cost of living is impacting her financially. And I note many things she does without for financial reasons and yet she will over extend to help a sick animal. How can that be a terrible person? She also has been paying a monthly amount to support a child in Africa who she only knows by letters the child has written and photos she's received that she has on the fridge. Don't you have to be a compassionate, caring person to do something like that and keep it up over a period of years? How can these loving, caring traits be real alongside the horrible traits being described earlier? I am really having a hard time fitting all this in my head.