Hospitals help so much 🙃 And the nurse practitioner said I “broke her,” and at points put the fear of God in her, the psychiatrist said I could probably only find adequate treatment if someone that cared about me and knew a lot of psychiatry had trillions of dollars for a center for someone with a lot of “muddy water” (many comorbidities and a solid foundation of trauma that mimic and make each other worse).

They both said (paraphrasing, but definitely keeping the sentiment) they wouldn’t be surprised if I die soon. The NP said to try to stay out of ERs because they’re literally morons that do nothing but retraumatize and transfer me, and being inpatient might keep me alive one day but they so very much doubt I’m safe even just a few hours after discharge. Hell, half the time I’m not even safe in there. A part of being “too smart for my own good.”