Finished an IEA today. At first they weren’t sure if I was in a manic/mixed state or “just” doing BPD/ADHD/CPTSD/ disordered eating stuff all at once because of being triggered (I was losing sleep but also the day I went to the hospital had a MAJOR BPD trigger. Like, two weeks later and I swear I still fantasize about causing this person’s death and am STILL feeling all the BPD abandonment button being pressed feelings. I fear I will run into this person tomorrow and go totally apeshyt). I was fking wild all last week, and before my main provider left fir the weekend she said she wouldn’t extend the IEA if I could eat, hydrate, not self-harm, and not lash out at anyone (and this would “prove” I really am in control and it’s not a bipolar episode). I was determined to get out if that hell hole of finding out old friends died, constantly hearing people fight each other (and then act like they drank a fifth after they take just 15mg of diazepam ORALLY like they’ve never touched a benzo before), being locked in a unit with a hall two strides wide and no more than 50 paces long, so I DID follow those conditions.

It took 30-40mg of PRN valium a day while taking my other meds (just adderall and clonidine—which I was off the Adderall a few days but the NP said I was impossible to deal with those days and begged me to take it again) and attempts at utilizing the useless hydroxyzine, hiding my purging and tricking people into thinking I ate more than I did (they just make sure you get your tray and don’t dump everything straight inti the trash before sitting down) and yeah, I did scratch myself when I “felt worms in my skin “ and I did punch the shyt out out my stomach every time I took a shower or changed just for existing and not being as silent and ignorable as my appendix. Did I at one point scream and throw stuff at the demon owls in my room? Yeah, but it wasn’t during the every 15 minutes checks so no one saw and no one complained so it doesn’t count.

Have I slept through a single night? No, but I do get at least 4-7 hours of sleep regardless of waking up at least as many times each night, and when they REALLY loaded me up on the benzos I didn’t even lay in bed hours before falling asleep.

While the Adderall and valium was really in there, I was fine. “Shining like the sun” someone said. “Really turned around” another said. And I functioned well enough to hide/not need medical attention from any minor acts of hurting or neglecting myself. Today it was clear to my nurse practitioner I am well and safe and do not need to stay until some “out of control bipolar episode” is passed.

I just wish I had my IV line right now to put 4mg of Ativan in it right now and have a chance of turning the violence in my head off for an hour. But I can’t, because I’m just dealing with my normal life stuff, and therefore should be safe around myself and others.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I can breathe real air and don’t have to rationally fear being tackled and restrained if someone walks in the room in a moment I wasn't staring at the door and got caught off guard.

Just, is everything so bad “at baseline “ now that my “regular days” at this point either require massive amounts of sedative meds or feel completely fking unmanageable?

(I do feel completely fine between 9:30 and 3pm when the Adderall is in full effect and I have a moderate amount of benzos in my system. This late in the day in this state (almost midnight, not the least bit tired but getting ready to see which breaks first—my skull or these thick-*** windows and really hoping my docs weren’t overstating how dangerous/severe/potentially deadly my eating disorder is right now) I would be pleading for a good amount of valium or ativan either IV or IM.)

Does it even matter if I AM in a bipolar episode if I can’t take any real bipolar meds and am too feral (paranoid ?) to feel okay to undress to be then drugged unconscious for ECT? Do I just let these torrents of thoughts and emotions I’m drowning in be and deal however I can in a way trying not to cause so much damage others can see and freak about regardless?

Do I go back to consistently lying to my team to avoid “retraumatization” (I don’t even get how the NP says I was retraumatized when *I* hit the guard. I’m not the fking victim, I am the villain. That’s some Orange man thought process shyt to hurt someone and claim victim. I’m painfully self-aware that I am a common (maybe to some an interesting), monster.) I was told to avoid hospitals if possible. What do I do if I am spending all my free time thinking of (causing my) death and am constantly on the edge of passively and actively acting on that? Obviously not have free time, but sometimes I can be in a frenzy but a simple bathroom break can leave the space for a breakdown.

(And how do I fking forget the song “Skin and Bones” by Marianna’s Trench exists and is kind of sinfully good to listen to?)(if you have an ED playlist and it’s not on there, delete the playlist don’t add it)(I did delete my playlist just am listening to it on repeat even if just for the line “nevermind, I don’t feel anything” in hopes one of these minutes I’ll switch from feeling too much to feeling empty (only to spend ten minutes there and want to be swallowed by such strong sentiments again I forget I barely feel like a person).