I did go to get meds (had to get glue sticks for an art project and pads/tampons anyway because my eating disorder I guess isn’t so bad I don’t menstruate and the store is right there). The med nurse said she was happy to see me, wasn’t sure if she was going to have to send the hounds after me because I was a little later than usual, haha. Did take the Adderall (honestly bought a Monster too and had half of it because I’m a had bipolar/ED patient). Found out my pdoc (or pdoc’s temp replacement) appointment isn’t even today (hospital fkers lied to me) it’s Thursday with my actual pdoc, and if my case manager even remembers she’s supposed to meet me it won’t be until late afternoon probably. I’m actually kinda tired now (was not at all last night) so might go lay down for a bit. Haven’t showered yet (unusual for me by this late in the morning) so not sure if I want to force myself in there before or after a nap. Probably after. Not a fan of napping with wer hair personally.

(Hey, anyone else think it’s funny when I went to the ER they wouldn’t let me have my hair tie but could have the medical band that I have accidentally made my nipple bleed in prior times from while taking a shower without being careful? What am I going to do with a friggin hair tie. I’m not THAT skinny! And they require “sharp enough to draw blood” wrist bands of the same size.)

If I see my CM I’m not really sure what to tell her. I’ll mention past night I didn’t sleep and was nonstop posting here and messaging people throughout the night (thankfully a couple friends moved to Alaska and Cali so it’s not like it was 3am for EVERYONE’S phone I made go off), but if I’m still feeling like I am now she’s going to say I look good, even, calm, level (even if I’ve lost like 15lbs since I saw her (not like I’m losing crazy fast, I just haven’t seen her since April) (hopefully I will get that shower in by then though. Don’t wanna be a stinky girl in a tiny, hot little studio!)

I do have more valium I can take. It doesn’t really level me like I feel now, but if I take it early enough (or enough of it, she said I can take 20mg if it feels like a time I’d be getting an IM injection in the hospital and they give me 4 10mg tabs a day because the pills only last like 3-4 hours), it keeps me from going berserk.

All is calm (in my apartment), a lot of banging next door. I’ll ask about it later. Might be more mice, might be a little bit of a flip out because I know that one has pretty bad PTSD (actually wonder if she has an ED too, she really only eats soup and has a little of stomach issues. Could just be PTSD-anxiety GI stuff but she’s super skinny and layers up in baggy clothes too and of course pretty sure at least half (honestly maybe even everybody if you don’t strictly go by DSM definition of capital T trauma) of everyone with an ED has a traumatic background so maybe we’re both purging in the same bathroom haha) (I know she smokes weed, can smell it all the time, wouldn’t be surprised if she does heavier shyt though and that’s why she’s so small). (I know significant consumption of weed or certain strains can reduce appetite/cause nausea too so that’s a possibility but I do think it’s more common to have less nausea and more appetite and I don’t think she’s a hardcore stoner unless she does a lot of edibles I’d obviously not be able to smell).

I know I’m doing the hypergraphia thing again, I think I’m just lonely. Inpatient I was talking to people all day (if I wasn’t too ragey) and now I just still feel like I have to share more thoughts than I really do and everyone that works is working and everyone that doesn’t is still sleeping (or doing whatever tf my neighbor is doing, idk. Maybe I should check in on her.) I am laying down and kinda fighting sleep to type so I think I’m just gonna stop fighting.