My Support Forums - View Single Post - Daily Check In Thread for those with an eating disorder of any kind #5

MuddyBoots · 04:48 PM

Yeah, I’m not even reading anything in trigger boxes, food/drink threads, exercise threads, etc. unless the trigger boxes is labeled as or is or obvious through context something I know I can handle (which is nothing food related right now).

I have an appetite especially if I wake up early, and hate it. Right now I’m kibda restricting a few days, maybe a week, binging then purging a few times in a couple days, then repeat. I’m terrified I’m heading back towards a more bulimic presentation (AKA spending a lot of money on food, time at stores, time in the bathroom, and (honestly kind of worst of all) being an upper normal or over-weight)(oh, and passing out a lot more and more unexpectedly and bigger fluctuations in electrolyte levels. Because of course I miss barely being able to get to bed and then having muscle spasms every 30 minutes to an hour until I have a couple sports drinks or pedialyte or something. My fav. Oh and the panic of thinking for a second

Possible trigger: Foods, purging

“I can get mashed potatoes and bread and dark chocolate up” only to realize 20 minutes after the binge and giving a first purging attempt I was too confident and then absolutely hate myself after two hours and barely getting anything up other than maybe 40mLs of blood and something I ate like 6 hours ago. Nope, not the stuff I just had an hour ago, whatever the fk I had earlier, totally forgot about, maybe even wanted to keep that specific food down. Yeah, that comes up, but not the fking potatoes. Fking peanut butter and ANY kind of chocolate will come up before potatoes or bread, do I ever remember that when I really want to binge and involve something with bread or potatoes in that? Nope! Never buying more than one potato at a time for the rest of my life.)

******mit even sedated I can’t stop. You can blame my neighbor, she texted me and I asked her about the noise (all is good, she’s just breaking down some old furniture) and now I kinda want to be a smartass and call my CM incessantly and ask if she really meant we were meeting today, and if she really meant late afternoon, and WHAT she really meant by late afternoon because ******mit I have naps to take and a shower to get myself into. (Then call again and ask if she really meant she was meeting me, or if she’s going to ghost me again, and keep calling until she’s outside the front door because if someone needs managing to keep their shyt together, I can do the managing until they learn out of not being able to bear my lack of confidence in them to keep their shyt together so I can HAVE confidence in them. Or they can’t tolerate it and call me needy or controlling or whatever. Yeah, humans have needs, yeah, I probably have been one of the needier ones whether I wanted to be or not (I really don’t, I hate having needs and I wish I could just not require clothes, food, shelter, meds/treatment for anything, water, whatever.)

Okay, seriously gonna nap then shower now lol. Neighbor has settled.