Okay, so I might be a little fked tomorrow. When I was pleading to get off the IEA I said "if I am not good when I leave, I give my pdoc every right to put me back on one and I will not fight." Some of those terms were stuff like not self-harming, purging, showing up to my appointments, and one was following my meal plan. I haven't been rested or organized enough to even think about making one yet. I mean, I'm not technically going against it (because it doesn't exist), so I should be fine right? I have eaten at least once every day since discharge (as far as my nearly nonfunctional brain remembers anyway.)

I feel like I'm losing it. Yesterday I spent like 2 hours looking for an email I thought my voc rehab counselor sent me but she actually called instead. I was looking for a list of cleaning and hygiene supplies I thought I wrote in a notebook today for a while too, but I guess I typed it up in Notepad instead. I ordered a fking kit to learn how to type blood (complete with synthetic blood and goggles) and I had no clue. I tried calling the emergency number and honestly I don't think they called because because I don't think they understood what I was trying to say (they probably assumed I'd been drinking or using again and just thought it'd be a good idea to leave well enough alone).


I felt better after some Pedialyte and valium (no more music) and going to the group, but I'm so freaking tired now. I was going to work on photography stuff I thought I didn't start yet and try to figure out if I should eat the lunch I skipped or have the dinner I planned, but I guess I did start it already and I'm so freaking tired and dinner would've involved cooking and I was going to make it a while ago so I can go to bed at a decent time but that's passed, starting to think the lunch I had planned will upset my stomach (salmon and hots) so I don't even know, man.


I'm gonna have to cut some stuff out of my to-do list tomorrow unless I magically sleep halfway decent and wake up and can focus on the single task of getting something for breakfast out of the cabinet for a whole 40 seconds and feel alive again. Idk, I have another pdoc appointment in the morning so maybe I should just not even try until after and then no one can accuse me of trying to intentionally read as a higher weight than I would if I didn't have the appointment.

Okay, I just looked at my budget spreadsheet (which is just a google drive spreadsheet it's not any fancy automatically updated thing or anything) and it says today I went to the grocery store and the shop next to it. I definitely didn't. I was limping to get my meds because where they hit my bone with the needle hurts just as much as it did a week or whenever the hell they did it ago, no way did I go to the store and carry home supposedly $42 of stuff all the way back. I don't even have stuff here I didn't before. I don't even think I got on the laptop today and couldn't have updated it.

I don't know. Last night I confused my meds and took Adderall instead of my night anxiety/nightmare/insomnia/ADHD back up med, clonidine and my pantoprazole.


I feel more fked up now than I did before I went to the hospital. I don't want to hurt myself or anyone or anything like that, but I hardly know where I am half the time and I'm jumping at noises that aren't even happening and just physically feel like I'm on a boat like vertigo and I don't even want to go to bed because that's energy I have to use to turn the lights off, shut the blinds, and at least take off my socks if I don't push myself to get into PJs.


I don't remember trying to do any math lessons in at least a month, but my graphing calculator was under my pillow. wtf? I guess I can get angry enough to be able to take my meds (hopefully the righ t friggin ones tonight) and go to bed.